Going Back to Work

I have been back to work for three and a half weeks.  Below are the dominating thoughts in my head from each day.  It is honest, kind of selfish, and makes me sound pretty scatter-brained.  But a year ago today, when I found out I was pregnant and began this journey, I vowed to go all in.  To really let the experience of pregnancy and motherhood change me and teach me with as little resistance as possible.  As you can see, I am still grappling with it.

Day 1: "This is what heartsick means."

Day 2: "Look at these kids!  Somebody once held them on the day they were born and loved them like I love my Turtle Man.  How precious!  I need to love them more."

Day 3: After spilling my lunch down through my keyboard while trying to eat, pump, and catch up on (godforsaken) parent emails, and while bawling hysterically:  "I can't handle this pumping and working business!  I know it is good for him, but I am losing my mind!"

Day 4: After a sixth grader got his finger stuck in my demonstration table: "Good stars!  These 11 year-olds are needier than my 11 week-old."

Day 5: "This is the best Friday of my life."

Day 6: "Oh yeah, I like teaching."

Day 7: "I miss my little man." Each time I thought this, my chest (inside and out) would ache.

Day 8: After getting a vicious cold from the students and my son entering his three month growth spurt and waking up 3 times that night: "This is pure exhaustion."

Day 9: After a 12 hour day: "I can't wait to hold him."

Day 10: "Okay now THIS is the really the best Friday of my life."

Day 11: "I've got a case of the Monday's: I have so much to do at home, I haven't cooked in a week, there are still eight thousand emails to answer, papers to grade..."

Day 12: "I think maybe I am supposed to be a stay at home mom.  I love spending time with my son, but I like my coworkers and exercising my brain.  But I really love my son."

Day 13: "I can't believe I told my boss that I am thinking about not coming back next year."

Day 14:"How do mom's with several kids handle this?  I am barely making it and I just have one kid."

Day 15: I took one of my two personal days.

Day 16: After a fun day of teaching a lab and strewing toilet paper around the room, "Who will I be if I stop teaching and stay home?"

Day 17: "Yes, I would miss teaching and we depend on the income, but what about what my little man needs?"

Day 18: "Christmas Break: Praise. the. Lord."

In honor of my one year blogiversary, thank you to my readers, especially my sister.

Daycare

Who knew this would be the hardest part about having a baby?  Probably everybody that ever put their kid in daycare, but still, I didn't know.

I always thought I wanted to teach and be a mom.  I felt that it was important to do both.  Now I am confused.

My son was born in September.  I started looking for care in October.  I knew I should I have been looking much earlier, but I truly believed that you could enroll a child after they were born. (And I was kind of in denial about leaving him.)  I quickly learned this is not the case and had many conversations about how "we enroll in the spring for the fall semester.  You can apply in March, but there is already a waiting list."  I started to feel kind of sick over the whole thing.  I kept calling and I kept getting those same responses.  I found a few places that had an opening and I found fewer places that I could afford.  In fact, I found one place that fit our criteria.

My husband took the morning off work and we went to check it out-a commercial daycare that had flexible hours for drop off and pick-up, was in our price range, and less than ten miles from home.  (+3).  The staff members were really nice and some kids hugged me as I made my way through(+2).

The infant room was small(-1), but we were greeted by a kind teacher(+1), who picked up our little man right away and started talking to him (+1). So far, so good.  I asked all the usual questions and got the usual responses.  But I couldn't shake the sadness of leaving my son there (-1), but I think I would have felt that way anywhere I left him.

If you've been keeping score, this daycare came in at a 5.  It might not sound like much, but its a positive number.  And therefore, we paid the fees and little man was enrolled.  I was back to work 2 weeks later.

After a FOREVER (in my Squints voice) day at work, I raced up the highway to meet my kiddo.  I speed-walked through the facility and quick stopped to put on my protective shoe covers just outside of the nursery.  Then, I peaked through the door to find my son on the changing table. His eyes were locked on the face of his teacher above him.  He was talking and smiling as she changed him and she was talking and smiling back at him (+ a million).

Moral of the story?  Other people can love and care for your children, too.  And your children can love and care for them back.  And it is okay.