Going Back to Work

I have been back to work for three and a half weeks.  Below are the dominating thoughts in my head from each day.  It is honest, kind of selfish, and makes me sound pretty scatter-brained.  But a year ago today, when I found out I was pregnant and began this journey, I vowed to go all in.  To really let the experience of pregnancy and motherhood change me and teach me with as little resistance as possible.  As you can see, I am still grappling with it.

Day 1: "This is what heartsick means."

Day 2: "Look at these kids!  Somebody once held them on the day they were born and loved them like I love my Turtle Man.  How precious!  I need to love them more."

Day 3: After spilling my lunch down through my keyboard while trying to eat, pump, and catch up on (godforsaken) parent emails, and while bawling hysterically:  "I can't handle this pumping and working business!  I know it is good for him, but I am losing my mind!"

Day 4: After a sixth grader got his finger stuck in my demonstration table: "Good stars!  These 11 year-olds are needier than my 11 week-old."

Day 5: "This is the best Friday of my life."

Day 6: "Oh yeah, I like teaching."

Day 7: "I miss my little man." Each time I thought this, my chest (inside and out) would ache.

Day 8: After getting a vicious cold from the students and my son entering his three month growth spurt and waking up 3 times that night: "This is pure exhaustion."

Day 9: After a 12 hour day: "I can't wait to hold him."

Day 10: "Okay now THIS is the really the best Friday of my life."

Day 11: "I've got a case of the Monday's: I have so much to do at home, I haven't cooked in a week, there are still eight thousand emails to answer, papers to grade..."

Day 12: "I think maybe I am supposed to be a stay at home mom.  I love spending time with my son, but I like my coworkers and exercising my brain.  But I really love my son."

Day 13: "I can't believe I told my boss that I am thinking about not coming back next year."

Day 14:"How do mom's with several kids handle this?  I am barely making it and I just have one kid."

Day 15: I took one of my two personal days.

Day 16: After a fun day of teaching a lab and strewing toilet paper around the room, "Who will I be if I stop teaching and stay home?"

Day 17: "Yes, I would miss teaching and we depend on the income, but what about what my little man needs?"

Day 18: "Christmas Break: Praise. the. Lord."

In honor of my one year blogiversary, thank you to my readers, especially my sister.