Back to the Therapy Buisness

I left off with a post about how I was feeling like therapy is really starting to make a change in my life and the feeling was reaffirmed after this week's session.  Two important things happened this week:

1. I got the results of my hormone test back.  During one of my sessions, I explained the crazy body sensations I was feeling and my therapist recommended getting my hormone levels checked.  What did I find?  I have the hormones of a woman about to enter menopause.  My cortisol levels are very low, so to get by, my body has been hoarding the chemicals and important building blocks I ingest and create to bring that level up.   In turn, this has stolen the supply of building blocks that my hormones need, so those levels tanked, too.

I am the little black dot.

While this isn't the most alarming of cases, it is significant enough to require a course of action.  I was prescribed several supplements, vitamins, and proteins to start taking.  Much to my relief, no hormones were prescribed.  This process should begin next week.

2. I had a panic attack on Tuesday.  

It had been a while since I had had one, and this was friendly reminder that I do in fact have an anxiety disorder, instead of this line of "anxiety is just a little something I struggle with" that I have been feeding myself.  I had been feeling overwhelmed, cry-faced, and exhausted and it all came to a head in a swirling moment of dizziness, terror, sweating, and gasping for air.  I sat on the front step, trying not to pass out.  I was crying and feeling so burnt out, not even cognizant of the neighbors in their driveway a few feet away.  I knew what I was feeling in that moment, but I couldn't explain why.  I couldn't pinpoint specific events or concerns that had accumulated to this feeling of panic.

Two days later, I cozied into that familiar couch and I talked to my therapist.  I cried about feeling overwhelmed and she helped me to breakdown this generalized feeling of despair into: unbalanced energy in vs. energy out, sadness that my students come from such desperate situations and I can't really do anything about it, my lack of boundaries that have kept me from declaring the things I need for fear of disappointing/annoying others, I haven't defined my role in my new school, I haven't made a personal mission statement to guide me on a daily basis, etc. (the list is truly long) 

After that session, I drove home quieter.  I really thought about the things she said and my mind was changed.  Not in a dramatic way, but a little synapse lit up a new part of my brain.  The part of my brain that has decided to live a specific life.  I want to live in clarity.  I feel that thinking about my place in the world and making choices about my job here, will turn my feet in the right direction.  I have been quite lost. Sparing the road of life metaphor and a diatribe about my loathing of the GPS, I am way off course.  I can't get ahead because I am just wandering around in a dark cave with a bag on my head.  I haven't been able to get my bearings enough to pick a direction to go.  But I do think, that being specific might get me back above ground.  So being specific, I will remind myself,  "I have an anxiety disorder.  I have boundary issues.  I struggle with codependency.  I have a negative image of myself.  These are things I have.  They are not things I am.  I want to live a life of value and purpose, beginning with restoring my own self care so that I have enough energy to share it with those I love and those who need it."

The Kid Turns One

Some how this sweet child has survived a year with his dad and I as his caretakers.  Don't get me wrong, we try..."wicked hard", but it still seems crazy that we actually pulled it off.  As I sit down for a brief minute before the family comes rolling in to celebrate, interrupted only by poopy diapers and phone calls from the pediatric ENT, I feel reflective and sentimental.

In the first year of baby life, we have both learned so much.  If I could tell a new mom a few things that I have discovered as I recieve my "One Year" pin, it would be:

1.  You will never be "old you" and that may be frustrating and lonely for a while.  I was convinced that I would be rested and clean by this point in little man's childhood, but alas, I am not.  I thought that soft belly skin would dissipate.  I thought my marriage would be just as easy as before.  I was wrong on all counts, but I am learning that this is actually a much better me, mostly because it isn't so much "me" anymore as it is spouse/parent/grown-up.  I have more richness in my life as cliche as it sounds, I really do love more than I did before.

2. Don't use the baby to belittle your partner.  Using some squeaky version of your own voice to comment on the elasticity of the mashed potatoes, does not make it hurt any less.  And a baby doesn't give a shit about the viscosity of his root vegetables, they would never say that.  This has happened to me and been done by me, but no more.  I will not use my child to hurt my spouse.

3. You are going to do a good job.  Things are going to worry you and keep you up at night that don't bother your babe a bit.  My son's daycare started feeding him "kitchen food" this week.  He had: chili, chicken nuggets, and fish sticks this week.  I have only cried about it a half dozen times, but he is no worse for the wear and his guts are hard at work learning to process the processed garbage that he will be demanding in a few years.  Your insistence on bringing the hormone free milk to his daycare everyday, or your choice to have him roll with the mainstream and not interfere are both equally valid, you will do what you think is right and in that way you will be right.

4. Babies get sick.  My child has never gone for a "well visit" and not had some health issue: ringworm, eye infections, ear infections, C Diff, etc.  He has been on gobs of antibiotics and other meds, but it is okay.  Even though I am a nut about natural living and don't take medicine myself (if I can help it), babies get sick, but they are fierce little creatures and they will get through it.  Even though the baby is coughing, try to sleep.  It will help you both.  Also, co-sleeping does wonders when your nerves are shot.  It is my go-to remedy to get both of us through sickness.

5.  Don't judge people who are childless.  A good friend told me that he and his wife don't want kids, they like to travel and pick up and go without planning/packing/etc.  My first reaction was (embarrassingly) a judgmental reaction of "wow, how selfish?".   Then my mind punched itself.  While this first year of motherhood has consumed my brain and I have felt my own growth as a person, it is so unfair to judge those who don't want to venture down this road.  People still grow and learn and get more incredible without kids.  And just because they sleep better at night, doesn't make them less accomplished, valuable, or generous.  So train your brain, that while you have made the choice to procreate, "it takes all kind a' people to make the world go round" (as my Nee-Nee would say).

 6.  Just keep going, one day at a time and before you know it, that sweet bundle of joy will be one.


Love,
J