Back to the Therapy Buisness

I left off with a post about how I was feeling like therapy is really starting to make a change in my life and the feeling was reaffirmed after this week's session.  Two important things happened this week:

1. I got the results of my hormone test back.  During one of my sessions, I explained the crazy body sensations I was feeling and my therapist recommended getting my hormone levels checked.  What did I find?  I have the hormones of a woman about to enter menopause.  My cortisol levels are very low, so to get by, my body has been hoarding the chemicals and important building blocks I ingest and create to bring that level up.   In turn, this has stolen the supply of building blocks that my hormones need, so those levels tanked, too.

I am the little black dot.

While this isn't the most alarming of cases, it is significant enough to require a course of action.  I was prescribed several supplements, vitamins, and proteins to start taking.  Much to my relief, no hormones were prescribed.  This process should begin next week.

2. I had a panic attack on Tuesday.  

It had been a while since I had had one, and this was friendly reminder that I do in fact have an anxiety disorder, instead of this line of "anxiety is just a little something I struggle with" that I have been feeding myself.  I had been feeling overwhelmed, cry-faced, and exhausted and it all came to a head in a swirling moment of dizziness, terror, sweating, and gasping for air.  I sat on the front step, trying not to pass out.  I was crying and feeling so burnt out, not even cognizant of the neighbors in their driveway a few feet away.  I knew what I was feeling in that moment, but I couldn't explain why.  I couldn't pinpoint specific events or concerns that had accumulated to this feeling of panic.

Two days later, I cozied into that familiar couch and I talked to my therapist.  I cried about feeling overwhelmed and she helped me to breakdown this generalized feeling of despair into: unbalanced energy in vs. energy out, sadness that my students come from such desperate situations and I can't really do anything about it, my lack of boundaries that have kept me from declaring the things I need for fear of disappointing/annoying others, I haven't defined my role in my new school, I haven't made a personal mission statement to guide me on a daily basis, etc. (the list is truly long) 

After that session, I drove home quieter.  I really thought about the things she said and my mind was changed.  Not in a dramatic way, but a little synapse lit up a new part of my brain.  The part of my brain that has decided to live a specific life.  I want to live in clarity.  I feel that thinking about my place in the world and making choices about my job here, will turn my feet in the right direction.  I have been quite lost. Sparing the road of life metaphor and a diatribe about my loathing of the GPS, I am way off course.  I can't get ahead because I am just wandering around in a dark cave with a bag on my head.  I haven't been able to get my bearings enough to pick a direction to go.  But I do think, that being specific might get me back above ground.  So being specific, I will remind myself,  "I have an anxiety disorder.  I have boundary issues.  I struggle with codependency.  I have a negative image of myself.  These are things I have.  They are not things I am.  I want to live a life of value and purpose, beginning with restoring my own self care so that I have enough energy to share it with those I love and those who need it."