Therapy

So I tried the meds.  I felt crappy.  I stopped the meds.

Then the new prescritption came, but I decided to go rogue.  I felt the need to let my body and brain rest, so I did not start the medication-this one is called Lexapro.  I made some reference to the fact that I wasn't taking them to my husband, who got real serious faced and told me that he thought I needed to be taking them, that a doctor would not have prescribed them if the need wasn't there.  Okay I thought.  I will take them.  (But I still didn't)

That week, I started therapy.  Yep, the whole "talk about it while someone with a notepad takes notes" buisness.  Getting to this point was very hard though.  I called a million places trying to get this process started, but I found that: a) they don't have any therapists that accept Cigna insurance, b) it costs $150+ an hour, c) the last session was at 4 (I get out of work at 4:15), or d) no one called me back.

Losing hope and getting angry, I typed into the google search bar exactly what I was looking for and found Agape.  A national group of people who support people.  I called and they got me in for the next week.  I got a 5:00 appointment, too!  They don't accept my insurance, but the fees are $40 a session.  Yay for being in the lower income bracket!

*update*
It has been almost an month since I started typing this post.  And I can say that I am starting to feel different.  I am still unmedicated, but I am working on coming to terms with my anxiety.  I mean, it is has cost me nearly $200 to realize that I have an anxiety disorder and that I need to accept it.

 I had something I could liken to a small breakthrough in my last session, when my therapist told me that when I feel like my arms aren't attached or my head is floating away, or I am the only one in the world who feels this way and everyone is different and better and I am alone, that I needed to stop and say to myself, "This is the anxiety."  I know that seems glaringly obvious.  Like, really, I know how clear that should have been, but I needed to hear it and needed to practice it.  The art of depersonalizing the crazy things that your body does is not an innate skill.  However, I have seen a change in myself by following this technique.  When I start to panic, I remind myself, this is the anxiety.  It isn't me.  It is the anxiety.

I can't express how much relief this one small change has brought me.  My life is different now than it was a week ago.  I am so grateful.