I am not a squeemish person. I can kill spiders, scrape pumpkin goo, and get blood drawn without much of a fuss. But after having a baby there some just plain gross things that can happen and others that are inevitable. So I knew to anticipate lochia (which if you don't know what that is, that's a fun google search for you) and all the things that come with settling down of hormones.
Speaking of...I woke up the other night sweated soaked. It was disgusting. I knew that it wasn't hot in the room and that there was no external reason for this to have happened. Then suddenly, I could hear my mom's voice telling me about these awful night sweats she had been having. Ugh, I was so grossed out, I dragged myself out of bed and went to the bathroom. After flushing my face with cold water, I started looking at this old mug close up in the mirror and wondering when all this acne reappeared. I did that thing where you look at each side real close and get more upset each time, but still keep looking. I decided to try and be grateful that I had a short reprieve from it. Well, since I was already out of bed and in the bathroom, I decided to go ahead and treat my hemorrhoids-FUN! That process always gets me worked up and grossed out, and I realized I needed to reapply my deodorant, which normally works fine, but with my hormones they way they are, I need to start keeping the container in my pocket. At precisely that moment, I realized how gross I am.
And it is not just that I am gross, my beloved son is also very gross. I don't know with how many foot pounds of torque other babies poop, but my son has so much gusto that I am sure he could disprove physics laws for his size and poo power. Around here, we call it "The Rocket Shits". First, there is the look. The face-puckering-I-am-working-here-look. Second, the sound. Third, the feeling of it. Fourth, the smell. He twosied so intensely the other day, we both had to change clothes. Shirt and pants!
In addition to The Rocket Shits (TRS-to save time), there was also a pee incident. I was changing him the other day and while the diaper was off, he felt free to pee. This happens from time to time and while it is kinda gross, it is an easy fix and smell free. However, this particular day, I had just fed him. He was starting to doze off, but I needed to change him and get him ready to go. As I pulled the old diaper off of him, I was looking at his cute little face, and suddenly, it was getting wet! Completely disoriented, I start looking at the ceiling for leaks, thinking that there is water coming into the room somewhere. Finally, I feel it hit my arm and realize the source of the sprung leak. I quickly through the old diaper on top and stop the fountain. But then I panic! I looked down at his contented little face and I could suddenly picture myself on the phone with the pediatrician saying, "He peed in his eye! Lord, help me, there is pee in his eye!" I strip him down and head for the sink and flush his face with water the best I can. I am about to cry and he doesn't seem to care at all. My husband assures me that since it is sterile, he will be okay. And he is, thankfully.
It is easy to get depressed about how gross my life has become, but we are starting to figure out that this is now our normal and work to find the humor in it. Now, when little man gets TRS, we just pick him up and make lift off noises, do the NASA count down, and make other rocket jokes. When I go into the bathroom and am reminded of all my grossness, I put earrings in. It isn't much, but it is a start at looking decent.
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