Going Back to Work

I have been back to work for three and a half weeks.  Below are the dominating thoughts in my head from each day.  It is honest, kind of selfish, and makes me sound pretty scatter-brained.  But a year ago today, when I found out I was pregnant and began this journey, I vowed to go all in.  To really let the experience of pregnancy and motherhood change me and teach me with as little resistance as possible.  As you can see, I am still grappling with it.

Day 1: "This is what heartsick means."

Day 2: "Look at these kids!  Somebody once held them on the day they were born and loved them like I love my Turtle Man.  How precious!  I need to love them more."

Day 3: After spilling my lunch down through my keyboard while trying to eat, pump, and catch up on (godforsaken) parent emails, and while bawling hysterically:  "I can't handle this pumping and working business!  I know it is good for him, but I am losing my mind!"

Day 4: After a sixth grader got his finger stuck in my demonstration table: "Good stars!  These 11 year-olds are needier than my 11 week-old."

Day 5: "This is the best Friday of my life."

Day 6: "Oh yeah, I like teaching."

Day 7: "I miss my little man." Each time I thought this, my chest (inside and out) would ache.

Day 8: After getting a vicious cold from the students and my son entering his three month growth spurt and waking up 3 times that night: "This is pure exhaustion."

Day 9: After a 12 hour day: "I can't wait to hold him."

Day 10: "Okay now THIS is the really the best Friday of my life."

Day 11: "I've got a case of the Monday's: I have so much to do at home, I haven't cooked in a week, there are still eight thousand emails to answer, papers to grade..."

Day 12: "I think maybe I am supposed to be a stay at home mom.  I love spending time with my son, but I like my coworkers and exercising my brain.  But I really love my son."

Day 13: "I can't believe I told my boss that I am thinking about not coming back next year."

Day 14:"How do mom's with several kids handle this?  I am barely making it and I just have one kid."

Day 15: I took one of my two personal days.

Day 16: After a fun day of teaching a lab and strewing toilet paper around the room, "Who will I be if I stop teaching and stay home?"

Day 17: "Yes, I would miss teaching and we depend on the income, but what about what my little man needs?"

Day 18: "Christmas Break: Praise. the. Lord."

In honor of my one year blogiversary, thank you to my readers, especially my sister.

Daycare

Who knew this would be the hardest part about having a baby?  Probably everybody that ever put their kid in daycare, but still, I didn't know.

I always thought I wanted to teach and be a mom.  I felt that it was important to do both.  Now I am confused.

My son was born in September.  I started looking for care in October.  I knew I should I have been looking much earlier, but I truly believed that you could enroll a child after they were born. (And I was kind of in denial about leaving him.)  I quickly learned this is not the case and had many conversations about how "we enroll in the spring for the fall semester.  You can apply in March, but there is already a waiting list."  I started to feel kind of sick over the whole thing.  I kept calling and I kept getting those same responses.  I found a few places that had an opening and I found fewer places that I could afford.  In fact, I found one place that fit our criteria.

My husband took the morning off work and we went to check it out-a commercial daycare that had flexible hours for drop off and pick-up, was in our price range, and less than ten miles from home.  (+3).  The staff members were really nice and some kids hugged me as I made my way through(+2).

The infant room was small(-1), but we were greeted by a kind teacher(+1), who picked up our little man right away and started talking to him (+1). So far, so good.  I asked all the usual questions and got the usual responses.  But I couldn't shake the sadness of leaving my son there (-1), but I think I would have felt that way anywhere I left him.

If you've been keeping score, this daycare came in at a 5.  It might not sound like much, but its a positive number.  And therefore, we paid the fees and little man was enrolled.  I was back to work 2 weeks later.

After a FOREVER (in my Squints voice) day at work, I raced up the highway to meet my kiddo.  I speed-walked through the facility and quick stopped to put on my protective shoe covers just outside of the nursery.  Then, I peaked through the door to find my son on the changing table. His eyes were locked on the face of his teacher above him.  He was talking and smiling as she changed him and she was talking and smiling back at him (+ a million).

Moral of the story?  Other people can love and care for your children, too.  And your children can love and care for them back.  And it is okay.

TENder Baby Moments

This baby has brought so much tenderness into our lives in the short nine weeks he has been here.  It is not like we were living some hardcore, non-tender life before, but our hearts are certainly a little softer these days.  Here is why:

The other day while watching TV, I looked over at my husband.  He had the baby stretched out on his chest.  Instead of watching the show, my husband was leaned forward, breathing in his baby boy.

My sister has a little one who is set to arrive in February.  Two weeks ago, when she held my son, her baby started moving and reacting to his cousin!

Whenever we go to visit my parents, my dad always comes to the car before we even get it in park, gets the car seat, and starts talking to little man.

Lately, I have discovered that sometimes my baby cries out of fear.  The other day, I put him in the tub while the water was still running and he started to cry this really heart breaking cry.  I figured out what was scaring him and turned off the water.  He looked at me like I was a hero.

He has figured out how to hold on.  How can I ever let him sleep in his crib, when he is hanging on to hair/shirt while he is sleeping?

I think he likes music.  I have played the guitar for him and he smiles the whole time.  A few nights ago my husband was playing a new song he learned on guitar, while baby and I swayed to the music=happy family.  The song?  See below.

Watching him learn things is incredible.  Just yesterday he found his thumb.  He always tries to get his hands in his mouth, but suddenly, he was getting the thumb separate from the rest of the fingers and into his mouth on the first or second try.  Regardless of the fact that I keep pulling said thumb out of his mouth, I am still amazed that he was able to teach himself to do that.

Our dog, who looks like a terrifying creature-with his lab, pit, catahoula bloodline, always comes up to the baby when he is really crying.  He wants to lick him and try to fix it.

The baby has learned to talk.  He coos a lot in the morning (telling me his dreams) and gets the art of conversation. It brings me such joy!

We went to visit family and friends in Michigan two weeks ago.  Little man was pleasant with the masses of people, but few things feel better than when your child can pick your face out of a crowd.  He would smile at me, even with so many other friendly faces in his line of vision.

It is all so sweet.

Does my baby have Scabies? A Seuss inspired entry about Parent Paranoia

A bump on the hand,

A few on the arm,
Do these little red marks,
mean my baby harm?
 
Examine the spots,
To the internet-Go!
Does my baby have Scabies?
I just have to know.

A gallery of rashes,
just what I need!
Does my baby have Scabies?
Please, no, I plead.

The photos show sores,
they show hives and show scabs.
They explain how it grows
and they make it look bad.

I look at my baby, 
all happy and chill
And I know for a fact,
that he is not ill.

Stupid internet,
lets me self-diagnose.
I am not a doctor,
no, not even close.

No Scabies for this baby,
but the mom is not good.
She had her first bout of panic.
Hello, motherhood.


Note:  This baby had a bug bite and some generic baby skin bumps that they just get sometimes.  I knew this starting out, but feel victim to the "what-ifs".

Getting Okay with Gross

I am not a squeemish person.  I can kill spiders, scrape pumpkin goo, and get blood drawn without much of a fuss.  But after having a baby there some just plain gross things that can happen and others that are inevitable.  So I knew to anticipate lochia (which if you don't know what that is, that's a fun google search for you) and all the things that come with settling down of hormones. 

Speaking of...I woke up the other night sweated soaked.  It was disgusting.  I knew that it wasn't hot in the room and that there was no external reason for this to have happened.  Then suddenly, I could hear my mom's voice telling me about these awful night sweats she had been having.  Ugh, I was so grossed out, I dragged myself out of bed and went to the bathroom.  After flushing my face with cold water, I started looking at this old mug close up in the mirror and wondering when all this acne reappeared.  I did that thing where you look at each side real close and get more upset each time, but still keep looking.  I decided to try and be grateful that I had a short reprieve from it.  Well, since I was already out of bed and in the bathroom, I decided to go ahead and treat my hemorrhoids-FUN!  That process always gets me worked up and grossed out, and I realized I needed to reapply my deodorant, which normally works fine, but with my hormones they way they are, I need to start keeping the container in my pocket.  At precisely that moment, I realized how gross I am.

And it is not just that I am gross, my beloved son is also very gross.  I don't know with how many foot pounds of torque other babies poop, but my son has so much gusto that I am sure he could disprove physics laws for his size and poo power.  Around here, we call it "The Rocket Shits".  First, there is the look.  The face-puckering-I-am-working-here-look.  Second, the sound.  Third, the feeling of it.   Fourth, the smell.  He twosied  so intensely the other day, we both had to change clothes.  Shirt and pants!

In addition to The Rocket Shits (TRS-to save time), there was also a pee incident.  I was changing him the other day and while the diaper was off, he felt free to pee.  This happens from time to time and while it is kinda gross, it is an easy fix and smell free.  However, this particular day, I had just fed him.  He was starting to doze off, but I needed to change him and get him ready to go.  As I pulled the old diaper off of him, I was looking at his cute little face, and suddenly, it was getting wet!  Completely disoriented, I start looking at the ceiling for leaks, thinking that there is water coming into the room somewhere.  Finally, I feel it hit my arm and realize the source of the sprung leak.  I quickly through the old diaper on top and stop the fountain.  But then I panic! I looked down at his contented little face and I could suddenly picture myself on the phone with the pediatrician saying, "He peed in his eye!  Lord, help me, there is pee in his eye!"  I strip him down and head for the sink and flush his face with water the best I can.  I am about to cry and he doesn't seem to care at all.  My husband assures me that since it is sterile, he will be okay.  And he is, thankfully.

It is easy to get depressed about how gross my life has become, but we are starting to figure out that this is now our normal and work to find the humor in it.  Now, when little man gets TRS, we just pick him up and make lift off noises, do the NASA count down, and make other rocket jokes.  When I go into the bathroom and am reminded of all my grossness, I put earrings in.  It isn't much, but it is a start at looking decent. 

Be not afraid!

A lot of my posts have been about yikes moments and fears realized, but I wanted to share some happy endings.  There were a few things that I was apprehensive about facing, but I am happy to share with you some good outcomes.

1.  I was worried I wouldn't be able to handle the nighttime/constant demands of a baby.  There have been so many times when I have been dead to the world, then my little guy would tell me he needed me by crying, trying to latch-on to my arms/t-shirt, or rocket pooping out the back of his diaper and up his back, and every time, the strength and energy appeared to give him what he needed.  There were times I couldn't have formed a cohesive sentence or even managed to walk in a straight line, but if little man wanted to eat for an hour, the strength was there.

2.  Even if your partner watches the baby come out of your hooha, they'll still love you and find you attractive (in due time...j/k, well maybe).  I know I looked like a hot mess with my legs up, sweating, and making some strange noises, but thankfully he is either really quick to forget or actually really okay with it.  Have no fear, they will be questioning the doctor's "six weeks of not doing it" while you are still recovering.

3.  Bodies are very resilient.  So for nine months, you stretch out your skin, muscles, and clothes.  I was naturally curious about how my body would reset.  Everyone's body is different and the general consensus is that it takes nine months to put on the weight it should take nine months to take it off.  Here is the good thing though, everyday for over a week, you can watch yourself start moving back to normal.  The day after I had the baby, I looked about like I did at 6 months pregnant.  Then with each day I watched myself shrink a little more.  There are definitely some pounds that will be here until I decide to work up a sweat and fight them off, but know, after delivery you can eat like a fiend and you will still shrink up, at least for a little while.

4. The hospital to home transition was smooth.  At the hospital there is a feeling of security because medical professionals are checking on you and your baby often, so for a lot of people it is scary to go home.  However, I found it be wonderful.  The first night, we threw a pizza in the oven, wrapped all three of us in one blanket, and settled in for a marathon of Parks and Recreation.  It was exactly our life but with a new feeling of completeness.  When we went to bed I was exhausted but knew that I could very easily stay up all night worrying about the baby.  I desperately needed to sleep so I quietly sat down next to the bassinet and decided to let go of all the "what-ifs" and have faith that things would be fine.  And they have been.

A Few Surprises

As you know, I did a lot of reading and mental preparation to gear up for labor and delivery.  However, there are several things that caught me off guard during and shortly after.

Here is the list.

1. The shakes.  I was about two hours into labor, when started shaking.  It was like I was cold, my teeth were chattering and my whole body shook, but I didn't feel cold.  It scared me.  I thought maybe it was because I didn't eat anything before or maybe the pitocin was causing it.  I dealt with it for a while, then I asked my nurse about it.  Thankfully, she said that it was normal.  She said it is just something that happens to some women as their body works through labor.  The shakes came and went during labor, but were gone when it was time to push.  They returned after labor, but piles of blankets helped to warm and soothe them away.

2.  After working the downstairs to push a human out, everything is kind of...not normal.  For example,  when I got to my postpartum room, I felt urge to pee.  I knew that it was going to take me about 5 minutes to get up and shuffle the 10 feet to the loo.  I was on my way, and really feeling the need to get my cheeks on the seat, but could not get there fast enough.  Everything down there was so tired, that I did not have the ability to "hold it".  What I am saying is, I peed on the bathroom floor.  Two steps away from the toilet.  This happened twice before I figured out to just go to the bathroom every two hours regardless of need, to avoid this from happening again.  Also, the farts returned to the parade...there is no holding those back either.

3.  Little man's nipples were swollen and kind of hard.  Our pediatrician told us that he gets hormones from breastmilk.  Those same hormones may be responsible for his baby acne.

4.  On that note, I thought breastfeeding was going to be this quiet, tender bonding time with baby.  However, it hurts.  It's tricky.  And the solution is the lactation consultants/nurses all forcefully grabbing your boobs and shoving it into baby's face.  With time, it has gotten better.  I have been getting some help from my local Le Leche League.  If you find yourself in this same situation, you may find help at one of their meetings, here is how to find a meeting:
http://www.llli.org/