Going Back to Work

I have been back to work for three and a half weeks.  Below are the dominating thoughts in my head from each day.  It is honest, kind of selfish, and makes me sound pretty scatter-brained.  But a year ago today, when I found out I was pregnant and began this journey, I vowed to go all in.  To really let the experience of pregnancy and motherhood change me and teach me with as little resistance as possible.  As you can see, I am still grappling with it.

Day 1: "This is what heartsick means."

Day 2: "Look at these kids!  Somebody once held them on the day they were born and loved them like I love my Turtle Man.  How precious!  I need to love them more."

Day 3: After spilling my lunch down through my keyboard while trying to eat, pump, and catch up on (godforsaken) parent emails, and while bawling hysterically:  "I can't handle this pumping and working business!  I know it is good for him, but I am losing my mind!"

Day 4: After a sixth grader got his finger stuck in my demonstration table: "Good stars!  These 11 year-olds are needier than my 11 week-old."

Day 5: "This is the best Friday of my life."

Day 6: "Oh yeah, I like teaching."

Day 7: "I miss my little man." Each time I thought this, my chest (inside and out) would ache.

Day 8: After getting a vicious cold from the students and my son entering his three month growth spurt and waking up 3 times that night: "This is pure exhaustion."

Day 9: After a 12 hour day: "I can't wait to hold him."

Day 10: "Okay now THIS is the really the best Friday of my life."

Day 11: "I've got a case of the Monday's: I have so much to do at home, I haven't cooked in a week, there are still eight thousand emails to answer, papers to grade..."

Day 12: "I think maybe I am supposed to be a stay at home mom.  I love spending time with my son, but I like my coworkers and exercising my brain.  But I really love my son."

Day 13: "I can't believe I told my boss that I am thinking about not coming back next year."

Day 14:"How do mom's with several kids handle this?  I am barely making it and I just have one kid."

Day 15: I took one of my two personal days.

Day 16: After a fun day of teaching a lab and strewing toilet paper around the room, "Who will I be if I stop teaching and stay home?"

Day 17: "Yes, I would miss teaching and we depend on the income, but what about what my little man needs?"

Day 18: "Christmas Break: Praise. the. Lord."

In honor of my one year blogiversary, thank you to my readers, especially my sister.

Daycare

Who knew this would be the hardest part about having a baby?  Probably everybody that ever put their kid in daycare, but still, I didn't know.

I always thought I wanted to teach and be a mom.  I felt that it was important to do both.  Now I am confused.

My son was born in September.  I started looking for care in October.  I knew I should I have been looking much earlier, but I truly believed that you could enroll a child after they were born. (And I was kind of in denial about leaving him.)  I quickly learned this is not the case and had many conversations about how "we enroll in the spring for the fall semester.  You can apply in March, but there is already a waiting list."  I started to feel kind of sick over the whole thing.  I kept calling and I kept getting those same responses.  I found a few places that had an opening and I found fewer places that I could afford.  In fact, I found one place that fit our criteria.

My husband took the morning off work and we went to check it out-a commercial daycare that had flexible hours for drop off and pick-up, was in our price range, and less than ten miles from home.  (+3).  The staff members were really nice and some kids hugged me as I made my way through(+2).

The infant room was small(-1), but we were greeted by a kind teacher(+1), who picked up our little man right away and started talking to him (+1). So far, so good.  I asked all the usual questions and got the usual responses.  But I couldn't shake the sadness of leaving my son there (-1), but I think I would have felt that way anywhere I left him.

If you've been keeping score, this daycare came in at a 5.  It might not sound like much, but its a positive number.  And therefore, we paid the fees and little man was enrolled.  I was back to work 2 weeks later.

After a FOREVER (in my Squints voice) day at work, I raced up the highway to meet my kiddo.  I speed-walked through the facility and quick stopped to put on my protective shoe covers just outside of the nursery.  Then, I peaked through the door to find my son on the changing table. His eyes were locked on the face of his teacher above him.  He was talking and smiling as she changed him and she was talking and smiling back at him (+ a million).

Moral of the story?  Other people can love and care for your children, too.  And your children can love and care for them back.  And it is okay.

TENder Baby Moments

This baby has brought so much tenderness into our lives in the short nine weeks he has been here.  It is not like we were living some hardcore, non-tender life before, but our hearts are certainly a little softer these days.  Here is why:

The other day while watching TV, I looked over at my husband.  He had the baby stretched out on his chest.  Instead of watching the show, my husband was leaned forward, breathing in his baby boy.

My sister has a little one who is set to arrive in February.  Two weeks ago, when she held my son, her baby started moving and reacting to his cousin!

Whenever we go to visit my parents, my dad always comes to the car before we even get it in park, gets the car seat, and starts talking to little man.

Lately, I have discovered that sometimes my baby cries out of fear.  The other day, I put him in the tub while the water was still running and he started to cry this really heart breaking cry.  I figured out what was scaring him and turned off the water.  He looked at me like I was a hero.

He has figured out how to hold on.  How can I ever let him sleep in his crib, when he is hanging on to hair/shirt while he is sleeping?

I think he likes music.  I have played the guitar for him and he smiles the whole time.  A few nights ago my husband was playing a new song he learned on guitar, while baby and I swayed to the music=happy family.  The song?  See below.

Watching him learn things is incredible.  Just yesterday he found his thumb.  He always tries to get his hands in his mouth, but suddenly, he was getting the thumb separate from the rest of the fingers and into his mouth on the first or second try.  Regardless of the fact that I keep pulling said thumb out of his mouth, I am still amazed that he was able to teach himself to do that.

Our dog, who looks like a terrifying creature-with his lab, pit, catahoula bloodline, always comes up to the baby when he is really crying.  He wants to lick him and try to fix it.

The baby has learned to talk.  He coos a lot in the morning (telling me his dreams) and gets the art of conversation. It brings me such joy!

We went to visit family and friends in Michigan two weeks ago.  Little man was pleasant with the masses of people, but few things feel better than when your child can pick your face out of a crowd.  He would smile at me, even with so many other friendly faces in his line of vision.

It is all so sweet.

Does my baby have Scabies? A Seuss inspired entry about Parent Paranoia

A bump on the hand,

A few on the arm,
Do these little red marks,
mean my baby harm?
 
Examine the spots,
To the internet-Go!
Does my baby have Scabies?
I just have to know.

A gallery of rashes,
just what I need!
Does my baby have Scabies?
Please, no, I plead.

The photos show sores,
they show hives and show scabs.
They explain how it grows
and they make it look bad.

I look at my baby, 
all happy and chill
And I know for a fact,
that he is not ill.

Stupid internet,
lets me self-diagnose.
I am not a doctor,
no, not even close.

No Scabies for this baby,
but the mom is not good.
She had her first bout of panic.
Hello, motherhood.


Note:  This baby had a bug bite and some generic baby skin bumps that they just get sometimes.  I knew this starting out, but feel victim to the "what-ifs".

Getting Okay with Gross

I am not a squeemish person.  I can kill spiders, scrape pumpkin goo, and get blood drawn without much of a fuss.  But after having a baby there some just plain gross things that can happen and others that are inevitable.  So I knew to anticipate lochia (which if you don't know what that is, that's a fun google search for you) and all the things that come with settling down of hormones. 

Speaking of...I woke up the other night sweated soaked.  It was disgusting.  I knew that it wasn't hot in the room and that there was no external reason for this to have happened.  Then suddenly, I could hear my mom's voice telling me about these awful night sweats she had been having.  Ugh, I was so grossed out, I dragged myself out of bed and went to the bathroom.  After flushing my face with cold water, I started looking at this old mug close up in the mirror and wondering when all this acne reappeared.  I did that thing where you look at each side real close and get more upset each time, but still keep looking.  I decided to try and be grateful that I had a short reprieve from it.  Well, since I was already out of bed and in the bathroom, I decided to go ahead and treat my hemorrhoids-FUN!  That process always gets me worked up and grossed out, and I realized I needed to reapply my deodorant, which normally works fine, but with my hormones they way they are, I need to start keeping the container in my pocket.  At precisely that moment, I realized how gross I am.

And it is not just that I am gross, my beloved son is also very gross.  I don't know with how many foot pounds of torque other babies poop, but my son has so much gusto that I am sure he could disprove physics laws for his size and poo power.  Around here, we call it "The Rocket Shits".  First, there is the look.  The face-puckering-I-am-working-here-look.  Second, the sound.  Third, the feeling of it.   Fourth, the smell.  He twosied  so intensely the other day, we both had to change clothes.  Shirt and pants!

In addition to The Rocket Shits (TRS-to save time), there was also a pee incident.  I was changing him the other day and while the diaper was off, he felt free to pee.  This happens from time to time and while it is kinda gross, it is an easy fix and smell free.  However, this particular day, I had just fed him.  He was starting to doze off, but I needed to change him and get him ready to go.  As I pulled the old diaper off of him, I was looking at his cute little face, and suddenly, it was getting wet!  Completely disoriented, I start looking at the ceiling for leaks, thinking that there is water coming into the room somewhere.  Finally, I feel it hit my arm and realize the source of the sprung leak.  I quickly through the old diaper on top and stop the fountain.  But then I panic! I looked down at his contented little face and I could suddenly picture myself on the phone with the pediatrician saying, "He peed in his eye!  Lord, help me, there is pee in his eye!"  I strip him down and head for the sink and flush his face with water the best I can.  I am about to cry and he doesn't seem to care at all.  My husband assures me that since it is sterile, he will be okay.  And he is, thankfully.

It is easy to get depressed about how gross my life has become, but we are starting to figure out that this is now our normal and work to find the humor in it.  Now, when little man gets TRS, we just pick him up and make lift off noises, do the NASA count down, and make other rocket jokes.  When I go into the bathroom and am reminded of all my grossness, I put earrings in.  It isn't much, but it is a start at looking decent. 

Be not afraid!

A lot of my posts have been about yikes moments and fears realized, but I wanted to share some happy endings.  There were a few things that I was apprehensive about facing, but I am happy to share with you some good outcomes.

1.  I was worried I wouldn't be able to handle the nighttime/constant demands of a baby.  There have been so many times when I have been dead to the world, then my little guy would tell me he needed me by crying, trying to latch-on to my arms/t-shirt, or rocket pooping out the back of his diaper and up his back, and every time, the strength and energy appeared to give him what he needed.  There were times I couldn't have formed a cohesive sentence or even managed to walk in a straight line, but if little man wanted to eat for an hour, the strength was there.

2.  Even if your partner watches the baby come out of your hooha, they'll still love you and find you attractive (in due time...j/k, well maybe).  I know I looked like a hot mess with my legs up, sweating, and making some strange noises, but thankfully he is either really quick to forget or actually really okay with it.  Have no fear, they will be questioning the doctor's "six weeks of not doing it" while you are still recovering.

3.  Bodies are very resilient.  So for nine months, you stretch out your skin, muscles, and clothes.  I was naturally curious about how my body would reset.  Everyone's body is different and the general consensus is that it takes nine months to put on the weight it should take nine months to take it off.  Here is the good thing though, everyday for over a week, you can watch yourself start moving back to normal.  The day after I had the baby, I looked about like I did at 6 months pregnant.  Then with each day I watched myself shrink a little more.  There are definitely some pounds that will be here until I decide to work up a sweat and fight them off, but know, after delivery you can eat like a fiend and you will still shrink up, at least for a little while.

4. The hospital to home transition was smooth.  At the hospital there is a feeling of security because medical professionals are checking on you and your baby often, so for a lot of people it is scary to go home.  However, I found it be wonderful.  The first night, we threw a pizza in the oven, wrapped all three of us in one blanket, and settled in for a marathon of Parks and Recreation.  It was exactly our life but with a new feeling of completeness.  When we went to bed I was exhausted but knew that I could very easily stay up all night worrying about the baby.  I desperately needed to sleep so I quietly sat down next to the bassinet and decided to let go of all the "what-ifs" and have faith that things would be fine.  And they have been.

A Few Surprises

As you know, I did a lot of reading and mental preparation to gear up for labor and delivery.  However, there are several things that caught me off guard during and shortly after.

Here is the list.

1. The shakes.  I was about two hours into labor, when started shaking.  It was like I was cold, my teeth were chattering and my whole body shook, but I didn't feel cold.  It scared me.  I thought maybe it was because I didn't eat anything before or maybe the pitocin was causing it.  I dealt with it for a while, then I asked my nurse about it.  Thankfully, she said that it was normal.  She said it is just something that happens to some women as their body works through labor.  The shakes came and went during labor, but were gone when it was time to push.  They returned after labor, but piles of blankets helped to warm and soothe them away.

2.  After working the downstairs to push a human out, everything is kind of...not normal.  For example,  when I got to my postpartum room, I felt urge to pee.  I knew that it was going to take me about 5 minutes to get up and shuffle the 10 feet to the loo.  I was on my way, and really feeling the need to get my cheeks on the seat, but could not get there fast enough.  Everything down there was so tired, that I did not have the ability to "hold it".  What I am saying is, I peed on the bathroom floor.  Two steps away from the toilet.  This happened twice before I figured out to just go to the bathroom every two hours regardless of need, to avoid this from happening again.  Also, the farts returned to the parade...there is no holding those back either.

3.  Little man's nipples were swollen and kind of hard.  Our pediatrician told us that he gets hormones from breastmilk.  Those same hormones may be responsible for his baby acne.

4.  On that note, I thought breastfeeding was going to be this quiet, tender bonding time with baby.  However, it hurts.  It's tricky.  And the solution is the lactation consultants/nurses all forcefully grabbing your boobs and shoving it into baby's face.  With time, it has gotten better.  I have been getting some help from my local Le Leche League.  If you find yourself in this same situation, you may find help at one of their meetings, here is how to find a meeting:
http://www.llli.org/

Baby Stats

The baby weighed in at 8 pounds 7 ounces.  A big jump from the estimated 7 pounds 3 ounces as determined by the ultrasound just 3 days before.

He was 22 inches long, which is aparently very long (according to the nurses).  I also learned that they do not measure the baby when they are first born.  The coning of the head makes for an extended measurement.  The nurses did not measure our little man until he was about 12 hours old.

He had hair.  When they first handed me our son, he was still wet and it looked like he had brown hair. It wasn't until that evening (after his bath) that I pulled his cap back and saw the little blonde locks underneath.

All fingers and toes were accounted for.  Thankfully, his nails weren't too long, which happens to a lot of babies, so he didn't have to wear the little mittens.

He has blue eyes.  When he decided to open his eyes, I saw that they were a really dark blue.  They have lightened since then, but are still a pretty, deep blue color.

He could hold his head up right from birth.  When the nurse laid him on my chest after delivery, he soon started lifting his head and began rooting around.  His neck is very strong, but looks so little compared to his head, that I have given him the unfortunate nickname of "Turtle Man".  He is too small to tell me he hates it, so for now, it's Turtle Man.

He has had the hiccups every day since he has been born.  He had them in utero as well, but they seem much more intense in the outside world.

Likes:
loud "shh-ing"
rocking chairs
rides in the car
putting his arms up next to his head when sleeping-he always looks like he is riding a roller coaster.

Dislikes:
sitting/resting in one position for too long
hiccups
sleeping after he kicks his legs out of the swaddle

I am learning so much about him.  I like knowing that his little personality is already in there and that he is already training me on how he wants things to be.

Push it! Push it real good!

*Warning: this is a labor and delivery story, not sparing any of the details*

On September 10th, at 7:00 am, I walked into the hospital ready to have a baby.  At the reception desk, I filled out some paperwork and waited (not patiently) to get up to the room.  Each thing I did was followed with an echo of, "That the last time you get out your insurance card/push the number 4 on an elevator/sign your name/etc. not as a mom".  At about 7:45, I made it to my room, put on my gown and climbed into bed.  The nurse came in and talked with me for a while, just getting to know me.  Then another nurse came in and asked me a lot of questions about my health history.  Shortly after she finished her questioning, the nurse anesthetist gave me the complete description of getting an epidural and I signed the release in the event that I decided to get some pain relief.

Then-showtime.  The nurse attached the IV and started the pitocin to induce labor and added a line of saline to keep me hydrated.  (Since I was being induced, I had been fasting for 12 hours and not had anything to drink.)  She then hooked up two monitors to my belly, one for the baby and one for me.  Then she put on the blood pressure cuff and a finger-squeezy-pulse-thing.  My doctor then stopped by and broke my water, which feels like you are peeing yourself and makes everything from there on out messy and gross.  By now it was about 8:30.

The first hour was very mild.  My parents stopped in to check on us and my husband showed me some funny online videos, but by 9:30 it was down to business.  I started to really feel the contractions and kept moving around to try to ease the pain.  I knew that I was supposed to be getting rest in between contractions, but the pain was constant.  I told my nurse, who decided to back down my pitocin.  Thankfully, once they jump started my labor, my body kicked in and started working on it's own.  Backing down the pitocin let me rest between contractions, and by about noon, they were able to take me off the pitocin altogether.  

I labored sitting on the edge of the bed, sitting on a yoga ball, and also tried just standing up.  My husband held my hands and counted to 20, then backwards back to 1.  I knew that when he said 20 the contraction was as bad as it was going to get and by the time he said 1 it would be over.  With every number he said, I squeezed his hands to give me an outlet for the pain.

I keep saying pain, let me say, it was unlike anything I have ever felt before.  In the beginning stages it felt like a strong period cramp (which I have had plenty of in my life), but as it progressed, I could feel the pain wrap itself around me from my back, then all the way around my stomach.  It absolutely hurt, but once it was over, I could rest and recover.  I found myself doing two things I didn't expect.  Swaying and moaning.  Just like it soothes a baby; it was very soothing to me.  It was like crowding my senses with other non-pain sensations.  Between contractions, I would just sway side to side and these little sounds kept escaping me.  I didn't really feel like I could control it.  I made no conscious choice to do these things and was barely aware that I was doing them.  

I kept up this routine, keeping my husband always in contact with me, throughout the morning.  The nurse and doctor checked me several times for dilation.  I was making good progress and faster than expected.  I don't know if it helped, but every time I had a contraction I thought about the baby moving down, that each pain was working to get this little one out into the world.

By about 12:45, they told me I could get into the shower.  I was dilated to an 8 and off the pitocin.  I was so grateful to sit in the warm stream of water and let it hit my back, but I only got to sit there for about 5 minutes.  The water so relaxing, that all of a sudden I yelled to my husband that it felt like I had to poop!  I knew that I wasn't really going to poop (I had already done that earlier in the labor process, and in the toilet-not the table, I might add) but it was that pushing urge.  He yanked the red emergency cord on the wall and the nurse was there.  They got me out of the shower and onto the bed, where the checked me again it was push time.

Best I can estimate, pushing lasted about an hour.  It was strange, I felt the need to push and thought I would know what to do, but really, I had no clue.  After kind of writhing around through the first real pushing contraction, the nurse called me by name and said, "You need to focus!"  She gave me about a thousand directions, legs here!, hands there!, head here!, etc.  It was hard to take it all in, but with some time, we got there.  I could feel when pushing was working and when I wasn't being effective.  This kept up for a while and the doctor and my husband gave me updates throughout.

People gave my husband lots of tips, mostly different forms of, "DON'T look down there!" However, when it was time to push, the nurse took my left leg and directed my husband to take the right one.  The two of them stayed there the whole time.  He could see the baby's head when it crowned and encouraged me to keep going.  I was glad it was him telling me what was going on. I didn't feel like he was watching this happen, he was in it with me, counting, breathing, and holding me up.  And I am eternally grateful for that.

I kept working to get this baby here but was struggling to get passed the baby's head.  So the doctor told my husband to look away and made an episiotomy.  When he finished, I knew this baby was almost here.  I have this quick snapshot image of the baby's quiet, gray face as the doctor worked the shoulders out.  He told me to give a strong push and my husband kept saying that the baby is "almost here".  My eyes were still closed tight when I felt that baby leave, the doctor told me to open my eyes and as I did, I saw them lifting the now-crying baby up onto my chest all wet and beautiful and slippery.  I just cried and cried, grateful that the baby had made it.  On the way to my chest my husband saw the evidence and told me that we had a boy.  

Our sweet little boy.

The Pregnancy Summary

I am 11 days passed my due date.  After a long week and a half of waiting, we decided, along with the support of our doctor, to schedule an induction. It was strange to think about picking our kid's birthday, but the nurse called the hospital to see if September 10, 11, or 12 were available.  Due to the hospital's schedule, our child will be born on Monday, September 10th (unless he or she decides to come on their own sometime before then).  

I am so relieved to know that this child will eventually be born.  It has been emotionally taxing awaiting their arrival.  I was truly beginning to feel like this would never happen.

So here are some last stats and a picture from my journey, as well as my hopes for delivery.  The next time you hear from me, I will be writing with a baby by my side, instead of on my inside.

Stats

Weight gained: 24 pounds

Belly Measurement: 39 cm

Cravings: No real food cravings, I just kind of like everything.  However, sometimes I crave particular movies and songs (examples include: Judd Apatow films and Bon Iver songs), it is weird, but it is like emotional craving.

Aversions: In the beginning raw meat was tough to handle, but that passed.

Baby's Size: measured in at 7 pounds 3 oz after an ultrasound on Tuesday (Note: there is a high rate of error with this kind of testing, it can actually be +/- a pound)

Stretch Marks: Just those two that extend from my belly button piercing scar tissue. Notice that the pictures are never from the front, that scar is real bad.

Sleep: Still managing at least 8 hours a night, but this requires 2 pillows, no blankets, and the ceiling fan.

41 weeks and 4 days.

Hopes for delivery

It is my second biggest hope that this child decides to join us before the induction.  I would really like to be able to get through the early stages of labor at home, eating and drinking freely, and then go to the hospital, where I would be able to be mobile and not attached to all the machines.  I have imagined a natural childbirth (pretty much exclusively) up until this point, one where I can move freely and really experience this child's arrival into the world.

Since an induction is very likely, I am learning to adjust my world view a little.  We talked with the nurse today and learned that I will be on a pitocin drip the entire time (attached to an IV) and will have to be constantly monitored (attached to another machine).  With these kinds of limitations, I will only be allowed trips to the bathroom and to stand bedside if needed.  I know that lots of women labor in bed, but I just didn't picture it that way when it was my turn.  I feel like labor is something that I do, not something that happens to me, and being told that I can't do things that I know could help, will be a real challenge for me. 

It is my biggest hope of all that by Monday night, I know my child.  The anticipation of meeting him or her has been constantly growing throughout this pregnancy.  I wonder if it is a boy or girl.  I wonder if they will have my husband's skin, which doesn't fry in the sun like mine.  I wonder if they will have his ability to break down dairy products.  I wonder if they will have to wear glasses like me.  My husband wonders if they will appreciate dissonance. 

Regardless of how this childbirth occurs, the end result is the arrival of our sweet Hummingbird.  I know I have my ideas and dreams about how that happens, but truly, there is nothing more that I can hope for then their safe passage onto this planet.

Peace and love to all of you who have read and supported me this far.  I can't wait to tell you about the gory details and beautiful moments about life as new mom.

40 Weeks...And Five Days

OVERDUE.  Perhaps this is karma getting back at me for a terrible library checkout record.  For someone who would like to pursue a masters in library science and who's mother worked in a library, my library permanent record is marred with multiple lost items, late fees, and cds returned without the paper inserts.  I am not this reckless in any other area of my life, I don't know what my problem is.

I feel like I am going to burst.  Physically and mentally.  Getting to 40 weeks was the goal all throughout pregnancy, but about 3 weeks ago the idea of actually having this kid got planted in my head.  People started asking questions at work, telling me stories about their early deliveries.  I started to dilate at 38 weeks, stopped gaining weight, and started into the random contractions.  I started to think this could happen anytime.  However, here I sit, at 40 weeks...plus a little extra.

And currently, I sit in a chair of depression.  It is very strange.  I did not anticipate feeling this way, but this last week has left me feeling very isolated and sad.  If you are pregnant, nursing, or may become pregnant, perhaps you have or will encounter the same thing:

"Did YOU have that baby yet?"
"Are YOU having any labor signs?"
"When are YOU going to have that thing?"
"Oh YOU need to: walk/have sex/eat Mexican/drink raspberry leaf tea/drink Castor oil/climb stairs/ jump up and down 357 times while singing Abba songs and wearing flip flops."

I love every person who said the above things to me, but there is a common element among them.  I know that it is bologna, but it makes me feel that I am doing something to keep this baby from coming. That some how I am in control of it and doing a bad job.

To add: I haven't worked in a week.  I normally work at least 50 hours a week away from home, plus another 5-10 at home.  It consumes my brain and was very helpful when trying to keep myself from constantly thinking about the baby's arrival.

+ I had great relief when the baby "dropped".  He/she got out of my lungs and off my stomach so that I could breathe and eat a little more.  However, this child is still growing and while they are definitely low riding at this point, their feet have extended back into my lungs and stomach bringing back the heartburn and side-cramp-feel-like-I-just-ran-a-mile feeling.

+ I always feel like I have to poop.  This is another thing that I never heard about, and maybe it only happens to me, but with this child's noggin pushing on my colon, I constantly feel like I got to go.

+I have all the signs of labor everyday, minus the water breaking.  Contractions, cramping, loss of appetite, diarrhea, pressure in the lower abdomen, and yet, nothing ever comes of it.

I know that has been a total gripe fest, but I am struggling.  I have felt pretty good throughout, but this has hit me hard.  There are more variables involved: my husbands 50+ hours a week work schedule that results in a lot of alone time*, the dadgum hurricane humidity that makes me feel like I can't breathe outside, and the fact that this kid is so low, and that I can't wear my maternity shorts (the seam where the elastic stops is higher than were the head is).  I just didn't see this coming and I feel bummed.

Even with all these things going on in my head and body, my doctor and I are in agreement that unless the baby or I am in distress, we are going to wait this out.  The added risks that come with induction, like increased length of labor and higher chance for C-section, convince me that I will wait for this to happen in its own time.  Until then, I will try to cheer up, but if you could send some good feelings my way, I would appreciate it.




*My husband works a lot and that is not a negative thing.  I love him like crazy and everything he does is help us out as a family.  He is putting a lot of time now so that he can take 2 weeks off when the baby comes.  I am grateful for his hard work, just sad to be without him so much of the time.*

Bowled Wowlds

In my last entry, I talked about my love of National Parks and Muppets.  There is one other thing that I really, really love, more than Muppets, but slightly less than parks...donuts.  Or doughnuts if you are a traditionalist.  I accept both cultures equally.  

Anyone who has spent time with me knows about my affinity for the fried circle of dough.  I have eaten somewhere between 100 and 300,000 donuts in my life.  I don't want to toot my own horn, but that is a lot of donuts. Therefore,  I consider myself somewhat of an aficionado.  In my experience, I have found no better donut than the Old Fashioned donut from a small shop in the town where I work.  It is one of those places that make everything from scratch and in house, and it isn't like one of those new big deal kind of places, where they advertise "hand-rolled" and "homemade", it is just the way it is.  It is a local tradition that has been doing it the same way (i.e. the right way) for 25+ years, serve only regular or decaf hot coffee, and are open 24-7.  It is wonderful.

A view of the goods.

Thankfully, today was my last day of work before beginning my baby leave.  Even if nothing happens between now and Monday, I will be taking unpaid leave until this kiddo decides they want to make an appearance.  In celebration, a dear friend and social studies teacher, brought me four Old Fashioned donuts from the aforementioned shop.  I was so excited!  It only makes it better that I had stopped for a decaf coffee and egg/cheese wrap from the Dunkin' Donuts, so I had a coffee to go with this great treat!  At 7:20 this morning, I sat down at my desk, put on For Emma, Forever Ago (my favorite Bon Iver album), and savored the donut and quiet morning.  I was almost blissful when the bell rang and kids started piling in.  

Within 45 into the school day, we had a code red (how to hide from an intruder), a tornado drill, and dealt with a crying child.  During this excitement I started to develop a blindspot, which for me, is a tell-tell sign of a migraine.  I felt very off and foggy, but I have dealt with these for a long time and have learned to plow through it.  Thinking this would be much the same, I continued about the day.  Then around minute 50, I started to feel really weird.  Like super weird.  I was going over the directions for a lab, and I tried to say, "Bold words" but "bald walds" came out.  Followed by " bowled wowleds".  I stammered around trying to continue the activity and call on students, but I could not speak coherently. I knew it was bad when the kids started laughing. As this was happening, I started to get flush, sweat through my dress, get really dizzy.  Terrified, I told the kids I didn't feel well and walked out of the room.

I walked directly into the office the assistant principal and sat down.  She checked my pulse, which was approximately 1000 beat per minute, made some calls and got someone to cover my room.  She was very kind and I am grateful for that.  Then my principal showed up with a wheelchair... 

I started to feel better, but I didn't feel right.  As a group, we decided I should leave and go to the doctor.  I am thankful that they did not call an ambulance and that I was able to get to my doctor.  My principal wheeled me out to another teacher's car and loaded me up.  I knew that I was not currently in labor (though word spread through the school that I was) but I wanted to leave.

Two sweet women drove me to the doctor, where my husband met us and went in to see the doc.  I explained the whole ordeal, the garbled speech, the sweating, heart-racing, and general panic.  He told me it was a textbook case of hypoglycemia (low blood sugar).  He said that a pregnant woman metabolizes sugar faster and often run about 15-20 points lower than a non-pregnant person- essentially explaining that we can crash real quick after consuming sugar.  Yep.  I had a complete episode in front of the children, got wheeled out of my place of employment in a wheelchair by a man that I have very little rapport with, and driven 30 miles by some nice ladies to a doctors office where I just walked in and demanded an appointment, because of a donut.

All because of a donut.

(P.S. We are all fine here, thankfully.)

Bird's Gender Neutral Nest

With eight days until my due date, I have just washed the last few items that belong in Hummingbird's room.  Here are some pictures of the set up.

This is one of 10 Charley Harper prints that we ordered from the US Government Bookstore.    These beautiful pictures were painted in the 1960's to promote the National Parks, which is one of my husband and I's most favorite things in the whole wide world.  In addition to the awesome print, my husband made the frame as a gift to the little one out of raw cedar.

Here is the crib we bought from Baby's Dream.  The rocker pictured on the right is a Mennonite-made Hickory rocker.  Every woman on my mom's side of the family has one in their homes.  I was rocked in one just like it as a baby.  Also included in this picture is a great rug that we bought from a small business run by my in-laws.  Check out their American made goods and furnishings at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Garden-of-Uden/168108878289

It is hard to find bedding that is: a) not gender specific, and  b) is not covered in crazy bright patterns or rainforest animals.  We found the little sheep to be just right.

I LOVE BOOKS.  However, these shelves are far from full,  I know that will change in a few months.  I also wanted to show off some handmade art.  The frog, lamb, duck, and elephant were all designed and painted by a dear friend of mine.  She works mainly in graphic design and has a great portfolio at:
http://www.layersoflevy.com/index.html

This is a barrel full of toys in which Kermit gets a front row seat.   Muppets only fall slightly behind National Parks on the list of things I love.

This is my favorite part.  It looks like a bunch of baskets, but inside are the soft, clean clothes and blankets that Hummingbird will soon be using.  I can't wait to wrap the kid up in all these blankets (even though it is still summer here in the South) and get to know this little human.

FAT FEET!

I have to say, this pregnancy has not been terrible.  In fact, it has been quite good.  The usual sickness in the early days, but each week has just been better and better.  Until a few weeks ago.

Again, let me preface with how good this pregnancy has been, there are so many women who have it way worse than I do, but there have been some strange...developments during this last stretch.

When I first got my copy of What to Expect when you are Expecting (thank you to my sister-in-law), I read the first few sections and laughed out loud at the fact: some women experience an excess in saliva production during pregnancy, which can cause drooling.  I thought that it was so funny and could not see how slobbering related to pregnancy.  Karma decided to teach me how.  In addition to all the things that swell and become inflamed (thank you hormones) add: nasal passages to the list.  I am very congested all the time, but particularly in the evening.  What happens when a person who can't breathe out of their nose lies down in bed?  Mouth breathing and, ick, drool.  It is super gross.  Luckily, I am ALWAYS the first one up, so my loving and sleepy husband has yet to notice.

Next up is having an internal temperature of 10,000 degrees.  I have always been a cold person, heartless and bitter.  Okay, just kidding, but I have always been cold in that "I need a sweater" sort of way.  I usually have ice toes and fingers, but lately I am so hot.  At night I sleep with the ceiling fan on high and use no blankets.  It is very strange considering my years of blanket-hogging and over cuddling for warmth.

Today was my first day back to work with students.  In an effort to maintain our professional dress policy, and to not confuse 11-year-old boys (this is a very important element in my line of work),  I came to school completely covered.  By 9:00 A.M., I sweat through my new(thrift store) dress.  Eww.

And to finish, I have fat feet.  And fat fingers.  My wedding ring creates this lovely contour line for the excessive finger swelling to mould around and my feet take on the pattern of my sandals (the only footwear that fit me) by the end of the day.

All in all, I feel like a slob.  However, learning that I am 1 cm dilated and that the baby has moved down, encourages me that things will be back to normal soon.  But a lady I work with told me she pees when she sneezes because she pushed a kid out of her hooha...

Becoming a Purple Tiger

I have earned my first stripes.  Two purple-y, jagged lines extending from my belly button towards my right side.

Streeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch Marks.

My mom had good luck and was able to make it through her pregnancies without any stretch marks.  Which is quite a feat for a woman who weighed less than 100 pounds when she got pregnant and carried around a 9 pounder.  Needless to say, I got a little cocky in thinking, I would be just the same.

Since month three, I have rubbed delicious smelling cocoa butter lotion on my skin post-shower and it seemed to be doing the trick.  However, I gained four pounds in the last 3 weeks and could actually feel my skin tightening.  Then a few nights ago as I was getting into my pjs (I have taken to wearing my husband's shorts and t-shirts to bed), I saw them.  I couldn't help but feel disappointed.  I know that they are silly, topical, harmless, side effects of the most miraculous thing to ever happen to me, but I still felt that pang of female shame.

As mentioned previously, I see a dermatologist several times a year for a full body scan, i.e. stand in the buff and let some one look look at every inch of my skin with a critical eye.  This time, as he inspected the skin on my belly he said, "Wow, what is that?"  "Is that a bruise?"

He was referring to a very large purple scar that has developed on my stomach.

When I was 18, I got my belly button pierced.  Who didn't?  I stopped wearing jewelry in it as soon as we thought about having a kid, so it had over 6 months to heal.  However, as my outsides stretched to fit my growing insides, the site stretched and left me with some really purple, unattractive scar tissue.  Therefore ruining my chances of reenacting the following photo:

For more awesome pregnancy photo ideas, please click the link below.  It is definitely not a waste of time...

http://imgur.com/a/X4Xdg

My Pregnancy Reading List

A few months ago, my sister forwarded me this very interesting article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/27/magazine/ina-may-gaskin-and-the-battle-for-at-home-births.html?pagewanted=all

Highlights: The interesting tales and facts of home-birthing with a midwife named Ina May Gaskin, who has lived on a commune in rural Tennessee and has been delivering babies for 35 years.

Since reading that article, I cannot get enough information about this fascinating woman and the birth experience.  I have been reading books, articles and watching movies for about 2 months now (please note:  I have more free time to do this than most, because I am a teacher on summer break) and have learned so much.  I am sharing with you some things I have read and seen.  These are not recommendations and are in no way related to an agenda.  As far as I can tell, this experience is so much of a miracle, and ends with a new human life on this planet, that I do not care if a women has a prescheduled-knocked-out-unconscious birth or a pool-full-of-water-with-every-member-her-family-in-there-with-her birth, as long as her birth is her choice.

Ina May Gaskin released the book Spiritual Midwifery in 1977.  It shares the accounts of nearly 100 earth-loving couples who had their babies delivered by Ina May or one of her trainees.  It then explains her practices in detailed accounts, complete with diagrams and statistics. Then gives some advice to new moms.
Highlights:  Very candid talk about labor and delivery-it is not an illness or disease, has a positive relationship with a hospital and medical doctors, and makes the reader feel very peaceful.
Favorite Quotes: "If you make a practice of trying to feed your baby just to quiet her crying, both of you will learn a bad habit.  Remember that you want to raise her so that you'll still like her when she's three and four years old."
Rudolph after seeing his baby arrive, "The second he was out he looked so familiar to me that it was as if I'd already known him; he looked just like himself.  I really loved seeing him; he was beautiful."
Heads Up: Very intimate black and white photos, terrible (really I mean it) verbiage- nouns that have a more icky connotation 35 years later, and very rooted in the trancey/psychedelic.

 Penny Armstrong did not always know that she wanted to be a midwife.  After feeling the call, she completed an intensive course of study, before accepting a job delivering babies for the Amish women in Lancaster County, PA.  A Midwife's Story shares her experiences with birth, loss, and love.
Highlights: This book was really intriguing. It reads like a novel, not a how-to book and gives a lot of insight and recognition in the Amish culture. It felt familiar having lived in central PA. I recognized the names of the towns and could picture it very clearly.

Favorite Quotes: (unfortunately, I don't have this in front of me so I am paraphrasing) 'I vowed to never watch an Amish woman eat again', in response to watching a woman eat a peanut butter, jelly, mayonnaise, and ham sandwich 45 minutes after labor.
Heads Up: This book does not require much of a disclaimer. It is a true account of her adventures and was a pleasant read.

Fun Fact: An Amish man asks a woman to marry him by giving her a beautifully made wooden clock. An Amish girl would never say she is engaged, but may say, "I have gotten my clock."

 Rikki Lake doesn't strike me as a reliable source of information, but her documentary The Business of being Born was interesting and not at all produced in 90's talk show style.  

Highlights: The women that deliver babies in this movie have wonderful birthing experiences and make the viewer feel a hallowed calm about having a baby.  

Heads Up: This is a documentary, like most, is trying to convince viewers of something.  In this case, Ms. Lake is putting down hospital births and promoting home birthing.  It left me feeling a little uneasy, but I have since talked with my physican and learned more about my hospital and am no longer concerned.

Fun Fact: We regularly gave x-rays to women in the 1940's to see the position of the baby.  Yikes!

Side note: The movie closely follows a few women and when they actually deliver, it feels very personal and there was a lot of sobbing (from me).

Other titles that I read include:

The Best Birth by Sarah McMoyler 
-A good first book, health info, promotes the McMoyler Method of labor and delivery, anti-Lamaze

What to Expect when you are Expecting by Heidi Murkoff 
-Gives facts about your pregnancy week by week, answers lots of questions about what is normal or not, and provides good info for partners too

Ina May's Guide to Breastfeeding by Ina May Gaskin
-Probably more info than most people need, but great suggestions on how to make breastfeeding the most effective right from the start


I have checked out and thumbed through about a half dozen others, but these are some that I was able to extract something useful from.  There are thousands and thousands of books out there, good luck!

Today I Learned that TIL is an acronym for Today I Learned

TIL:

1.  Bumper Pads are no longer considered safe.  The idea behind them is that it protects your baby from smashing their head into the edges of the crib.  The concern is that they could end up smoshed up against the bumper pad and have their little face pressed into the material, i.e. not be able to breathe.  While they are cute, make sense as far as avoiding bruises, and were recommended to me by several good parents, I have taken mine back to the store.


2. Cribs are expensive and should be.  After looking at several stores, I registered for a crib from Baby's R Us.  My very kind parents bought it for us and it arrived two days ago.  This crib, like most nowadays, converts into a toddler bed.  It also has 3 drawers and the changing table attached.  It looked like a great way to cover a lot of bases.  Then we opened the box.  Several pieces of wood were broken, not like scratched and dinged, but snapped in half.  Full on busted.  After sitting in a pile of styrofoam and crib parts for about 20 minutes, I called the store to see what we could do.  The store offered to send us a new one to replace the one we had just completely unwrapped, but after seeing that it was broken already, it made us leary to put our kid in it.  I was really bummed.  It was NOT cheap (400 clams), but it was cheap (if you know what I mean).  After doing a lot of research, we discovered a store called USA Baby (I highly recommend it if you have one in your area) which looks a lot more like a furniture store, not an all-in-one store.  We purchased a Baby's Dream crib today that is made of solid wood(no particle board) and got a good deal because it was the floor model, but these cribs run from $400-$1200.  I was really discouraged after working with our first crib, but now feel excited that we purchased something safe, pretty, and of good quality.

A link to the Baby's Dream furniture:     http://www.babysdream.com/


3.  My doctor will not stop me if I go into labor any time after 34 weeks.  A full term baby is considered any kiddo who has cooked for 36 weeks, but even if I go into labor two weeks before then, it is all systems go.  At 34 weeks, the baby usually does just fine, it is just crazy to think that 34 weeks is only 2 weeks away.


4. Ear thermometers are not okay for babies.  Their little ear canals are so fresh and delicate, that it dangerous to put anything in there.  So I am logging on to my Target registry to remove the one that says "Infant safe" that I registered for.  Up the pooper is the only way to get an accurate temp.  So rectal  thermometer it is.

The Photo Album

So, I got a little behind here.  I fell into the swing of being pregnant and have found that the months have gone sliding by.  In the last 15 weeks or so, I have enjoyed feeling the movements of our little Hummingbird.  Somersaults, kicking, elbowing, and punching have become the norm.  In the past few months, we took in a Feist concert and a Gillian Welch show and I felt him/her dancing like crazy(this attribute comes from it's father).  And yesterday culminated with the first ever bout of hiccups for this baby.  It was funny to watch my stomach jump every two seconds.  I counted 47 hiccups : )


Since my absence from the blog world, I have watched my body grow into something slightly alien but  also something kind of miraculous.  I feel humbled to be the home for this child.  Here are some photos of the growth thus far.

12 weeks

16 weeks

20 weeks

26 weeks

30 weeks

With less than 10 weeks to go, we are getting very excited! It is hard to believe the child is already about as tall as it is going to get and that the next 2 months are reserved for fattening up and making the finishing touches of development.  Did I mention how excited I am to meet this kid?

How I ended up flashing on spring break.

Bodies are weird.

Mine has essentially been the same for the last 9 years, a little fluctuation in weight, but pretty much the same.  I have gotten used to it.

A few weeks ago, we were grocery shopping, following our Sunday routine: work until dark, get a Pineapple Pleasure smoothie from Smoothie King, and peruse the aisles of Kroger.  Things were fine, then we hit the refrigerated section.  Between price comparing orange juice and checking the sugar content of various yogurts, I began to feel...pain.  Like serious pain.  Above my ribs and below my shoulders, in two, uh, hidden places...  I stood there, completely thrown off, teary eyed, and trying to find a way to convey to my husband what was happening, without using real words due to the large group of other yogurt eaters nearby.

Not long after, I realized I would need to do some shopping.  As I said, my body has pretty much been the same since my sophomore year of high school, most of my undergarments had long ago come from the teen section, where things are made of cotton and only go up to a certain size(and they are way cheaper). With much shopping around, I finally found that I could both afford things and wear things that come from Target, so I thought I was set.

Last week was Spring Break, which teachers look foreword to much more than students.  My husband and I went to Florida where we met up with his parents.  We did all things one does in a beach town: gets burnt in places where the spray-on sunscreen didn't land, ate chips with sand in them, and read three novels, instead of getting in the water.  We really did have a good time.  In fact, we even went for a delicious steak dinner, where a man played seductive covers of Rick Astley songs on a saxophone!  But just before dinner, my husband and I decided to go to the pool at the hotel.  As I was removing the dress I had thrown on over my suit, I got to the point where my arms were halfway above my head and the dress was covering my face.  Then I felt something.  A snap.  Then a flinging.  Then a breeze.  Then panic.  The snap on the back of my swim suit broke and the extra wind from the storms in Louisiana carried my straps away from my body. 

It took me a minute.  One-my face was covered.  And two-there (as of late) was more to wrangle and attempt to contain again.  I don't know how many men, women, and children were privy to my dramatic display of flailing and topless-ness, but I would venture around 30.

I am a modest person.  God is slowly breaking it down, so that I don't die if I am the 1 in 4 women who twosees on the delivery table.

Yipee.

The Third Thing

With my major fear assuaged, I headed toward the end of the first trimester feeling pretty good.  The nausea was letting up and my body seemed to stop fluctuating so much from day to day.  In fact, there was a dinner a few weeks ago, where I sat across from my husband at the table, eating food that smelled and tasted good, when I stood up and declared, "I feel...AWESOME!"  It was the most I had felt like myself in at least two months.  It was great.

As I progressed over the next few weeks, I was rewarded with a special surprise.  My ultra-sound revealed that Hummingbird was actually a week ahead of schedule!  Suddenly, I was even closer to end of the first trimester and got a new due date of August 29th.

The feeling of tiredness and aching feet/legs seemed to be the two most steady reminders that I am pregnant.  It is hard to tell if it is being pregnant or the fact that my students are thawing out into little crazy monsters that makes me so tired.

Last year I had recieved a melanoma diagnosis that scared my family and I, but surgery removed all the dangerous cells and there have been no signs of it coming back.  However, I am still on a regimine of quarterly dermotology visits.  In these visits, a very nice doctor looks in all my nooks and crannies for erroneous cells and then works his way down to my incision site (just above my right knee).  There he presses into the scar and checks the surrounding tissue.  All good there, so I sigh with relief and stop paying attention as he works his way down my pale legs to my feet, when suddenly I hear, "Hey look at that!"  Never a good thing.  "What?", I ask.

"Looks like you got a corn, there!"

Corn?  CORN!?  Who gets corns under the age of 50?  Apparently, I do!  My swollen, tired feet decided to rebel against me and start forming vegetable named ouchies on my peds.  For those who haven't had the pleasure of a doctor comedically pointing out that you have one, let me fill you in:

Corn: (pronounced KERN) a mega callous that forms on a bone. Usually one that protrudes above the other foot bones, so it is already noticeable, but then takes on a shiny, red look.

I walked out of the office, replaying the scene in my head.  Then I smiled, because I suddenly remembered how to handle this situation.  The first person to ask about my premature foot ailment will be greeted with Liz Lemon grace.